We sold our townhouse! Oh my gosh, I am so excited! We actually didn't even have it on the market yet and were just looking at getting a new renter since our current one decided to only do a one year lease. What are the odds? After having it on the market twice in the last year, receiving several super low offers and then deciding to rent it... now we sell it without even trying?? I love it!
Here's how it all went down.... Our current renter told us a few months ago that she was only going to honor her one year lease with us. Her lease was up August 31st. Of course, Kerm and I quickly started panicking. We didn't know if we'd find another great renter... or even a renter at all, we didn't think we could sell and if we did sell, we thought we'd have to bring about $10,000 to closing, maybe more.
Then, my mom's manicurist spoke up and said she was looking at a new place to rent and potentially own. She didn't have the money to purchase yet, but was hoping we would do a two year contract for a rent to own. My dad (who is acting as our property manager) did a ton of research on how this works and drew up a contract on how we could do this. We showed it to her, she liked it and said she just wanted to see the place. So, my dad went over to the townhouse to show it to her. While he was there, our current renter showed him a flier she had received about someone that wanted to buy a townhouse in our area.
My dad gave the lady from the flier a call and she said she was already in negotiations on another unit - but, she was paying WAY more than we were asking. So, she agreed to see our place. About 20 minutes later, I got a call from my dad that she wanted to buy it! We were so thrilled! Plus, we negotiated the deal ourselves so we didn't have any realtor fees to pay!
We closed tonight and I am still in shock. I really thought this townhouse was going to be with us for several more years. I'm thrilled to just be done with it! No more having to worry about finding a renter, making sure she pays, doing the maintenance (the house was new 5 years ago so there has been minimal maintenance thus far, but we knew the longer we rented it, it would require more maintenance) and keeping it in good enough shape to eventually sell!!
We are done! Finally, all of our housing dilemmas are behind us. A few months ago, I was worried sick about how we were going to close on our existing house and what we were going to do if we couldn't find a renter for our old house. Now, both problems have been solved and it is a huge weight off my shoulders! There will always be a small place in my heart for our old house, it was the first place Kerm and I lived in together and we had many memories there including raising Allie for the first 2 years of her life. But, in only 5 short months at our new house, we have already made tons of new memories and I can't wait to see what the future holds for this residence!
Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Letter to Allison: 3 years
Dear Allison,
Happy 3rd birthday! I honestly cannot believe you are already three years old. Where did my little baby go? For some reason, this birthday is hitting me hardest of them all. I oscillate almost daily with looking at you in amazement for how old and big you have become - carrying on real conversations with us, dressing yourself and even drinking out of big girl cups - and then realizing that you are oh still so little - needing me to hold you and comfort you when you're scared or tired, wanting to snuggle up with your poogie and Mr. Sea and still believing that mommy and daddy are the best things ever. I'm not sure why this birthday is hitting me so hard, but I suspect it has something to do with you being such a little person now and getting so independent. Your first birthday was tough, but I was prepared for that to be tough, just like every mom is. I knew you were reaching a whole new stage - being able to drink real milk, learning to walk and starting to talk, so I was prepared for the emotional flood surrounding that day. Last year I think I was still yearning for you to grow up a little more than you were. You weren't talking a whole lot yet and I couldn't wait for you to get just a little older to be able to really converse with you. Now, at three, I feel like you know how to do everything - you walk, you talk, you can draw, you can understand conversations... and from here all of your skills will just get better. You are done "learning" new skills, they will just simply improve. You will go from scribbling lines on a page, to learning to write your name and other words. You will go from just simply loving to have stories read to you, to learning how to read yourself. So, it's hitting me hard that at three you are already so grown up.
This past year as your personality has emerged more and more has been so fun for your daddy and me. Let me highlight some of the things that make you... well, you. First and foremost, you are a rule follower. Sure, you try to push the limits and see how much you can test us, but when it comes down to it, you follow the rules. If we tell you not to go in the cupboard and get anymore crackers, you won't. If you're told at gymnastics to wait your turn, you do, and if your friends don't share their toys with you, you let them know that the rules are to share! Secondly, you are so creative. I cannot even begin to explain how awesome your imagination is. On the way to the cabin today, you sat in the backseat by yourself and created an entire storyline. You kept yourself content, just talking to yourself, the entire ride up to the cabin. Your daddy and I just smiled as we listened to you completely enveloped in your own little world. Your pretend play extends when you play with your toys - especially your dolls, your Little People and your pretend food. Most of your creative ideas come from things you've heard your daddy and I say. The rules you impose on your dolls, the snacks that you'll allow them to have and the way you put them all to bed is exactly as your daddy and I do with you. It's so cute to hear you mimic the aspects of your everyday life.
Finally, your language and memory have just exploded over the course of the year. You say words almost everyday that I don't even know where you learned. The other day daddy was downstairs and you and I were playing in the playroom and you asked me, "What do you suppose daddy is doing downstairs?" Suppose! Suppose! Where did you ever learn that? You also love to say, "actually"... as in "This is my doll, actually." And you preface a lot of answers to questions with the phrase, "ya know" (I don't know). This seems to be your reflex response because you'll usually start by answering a question with this and then proceed to actually give the real answer. In addition to your booming verbal skills, is your uncanny way to remember EVERYTHING! You seriously remember it all - where places are, when we've done things, and what things we've done at what places. A few weeks ago we drove by Southdale hospital and you pointed it out telling us that's where mommy had her baby. One time we were driving home a different way from the cabin and crossed beneath 694 (from 35W) and you pointed to the east and told us that's where the old house was. Another time, you and Grandma came to pick mommy up from a CE class in Minneapolis and as you exited the freeway, you pointed and showed Grandma the way to the Children's theater. Every time we go by Chili's restaurant in Roseville, you point it out and tell us that's where you lost one of your little kid forks. And, then you point behind it to Babies R Us and tell us that's where Grandma bought you a new fork after you lost yours. It's unbelievable your ability to piece parts of your world together into these memories.
I could go on and on with everything else that you love to play with and do, but I'll just compile a list of your favorites right now.
Favorite foods: You are NOT a picky eater at all and will honestly eat almost every single food except for onions (for some reason you are able to pick out onions in anything, even if they don't even resemble onions), mushrooms, pickles and green peppers. I'd say that's pretty good though because I don't think a lot of kids will eat those foods. Your favorite breakfast is a combination of a piece of bread (not toast, you hate your bread toasted) with peanut butter and either cold cereal or yogurt. We try sometimes to give you "special" breakfasts like pancakes or eggs or waffles, but you just insist on your old standbys. For lunch you usually either eat a PB&J or a turkey and ham sandwich. For dinner you eat everything that we eat but you especially love when we have tacos, corn on the cob, pasta of any kind or rice. You are your daddy's daughter because you love to put "dip" on everything. You guys put ketchup on your rice, you love putting BBQ sauce on your chicken and you even like raw veggies as long as you can dip them in something. We started giving you juice finally when you were about 2 1/2 and now you have it almost everyday for breakfast. This is not mommy's favorite thing, but you only drink about 3-4 ounces, so I try to relax about it. Otherwise, you only drink milk or water. We've tried chocolate milk a couple times as a special treat but you actually don't like it and always just ask us for white milk.
Favorite toys: Right now you are really into playing outside on your playground, in your sandbox and riding your trike around. We got you a big girl bike for the summer but you're not wild about it yet, I think it's a little too big for you. So, you're sticking with your pink trike that is almost too small for you, but are getting crazy fast riding it up and down the street. You LOVE to play outside every single day and don't like it when "the trees are blowing" (that's your indication that it's too cold outside) and you have to stay inside. When we do play inside, you usually spend most of your time preparing food for mommy, daddy, Jakey and your dolls. You also love to organize so we can always get you to have fun lining things up - like your Little People for a parade - or putting the books from our bookshelf onto the window seat in the office to "check them out" at your "library."
You also LOVE to read stories. I still remember when you were about 9 months old and I was desperate to read stories with you before bed. You didn't want anything to do with them and always just wanted to nurse and be rocked to sleep. I lamented to daddy that I feared you would never like books. Oh, I couldn't have been more wrong. You have now worked your book count up to two books at nap and three books at bedtime (we started with just 1 at nap and 1-2 at bedtime) and it usually takes us twice as long to get through any book as once you know the story, you like to stop and interject with tons of questions... usually in the form of "why?" In the past month we've started letting you watch a little bit of TV and so you discovered Dora. You are now obsessed with Dora and Boots and like to point them out whenever we see them. I have to say it is pretty cute how excited you get when we let you watch an episode on TV and you sit on the couch completely engrossed in the show. We usually find you later in the day acting out whatever scene you saw on the episode you watched.
You have also taken an interest in getting yourself dressed and putting on matching clothes every morning. You are completely able to put on your underwear and pants - always noting the "right way" by looking for the tag, but still have trouble with some shirts - usually the ones that are a little tight around your head. Your underwear consists mostly of "day of the week" underwear and you oscillate between wanting to wear the right day and wanting to wear which color matches your outfit. This week you had to wear the pink underwear pairs four days in a row because you were wearing pink every day. I tried to put a blue pair on you yesterday and you nearly lost your mind when you saw there was no blue anywhere on your clothes. Some days you wear interesting combinations of clothes, but if I point out that your clothes don't match, you always have a response for me as to why they really do match. The other day you put on hot pink shorts and a bright greenish-yellow shirt. I told you they didn't really match, but you pointed to the bird that was perched on top of the rhinoceros on the front of your shirt and showed me how it was pink, just like your shorts. Oh little girl, you had it all planned out, how dare I question your ways?
Finally, you are now able to go to the bathroom by yourself and clean up after yourself. Both of these things came about after we had Jake and I think you realized you had to be a little more independent if you were going to get your needs met! You've been potty-trained for what seems like forever, but we were still having to help you out in the bathroom. Then, one day while I was busy nursing Jake, you told me you had to go potty. I had my hands full and just told you to go by yourself. To my amazement, you did. You did the whole routine all on your own. From then on, you have been unstoppable. Grandma even says sometimes she won't know where you are at her house and then you'll emerge from the bathroom and tell her that you had to go potty. Finally, you clean up after yourself when you're done with snack and lunch. You can put your dishes in the dishwasher, put the rest of your milk in the refrigerator and even take a washcloth and wipe up your hands and face. Seriously, when did you get so big doing these chores by yourself?
And speaking of your brother, you are such a good big sister. You love him so much. When I come into your room in the morning you always ask me where your brother is. You want to hug him and kiss him whenever you see him. Truthfully, he is a little scared of you because you come at him kind of forcefully, but we know that you would never hurt him, you really just want to be close to him.
Oh, Allison, this is only a highlight of all of things that make your personality so "Allie." I cannot even begin to explain how much I love you and how much everyday of your life is such an adventure. You live each day to the fullest and are not content unless you are constantly on the move stretching your brain power and your imagination. This morning you asked me when you were going to be four and I told you it was another year away - that you had so many things to do when you were three; go to preschool, be a flower girl in Sarah and James' wedding, have another Christmas, take another Spring Break vacation and finally have another birthday. You looked at me very seriously and said, "and also go to the State Fair." That just sums you up... always thinking... always stretching yourself... my answers are never good enough for you because you are always able to stay just one step ahead of me.
I love you little girl and cannot wait to see what adventures and excitement age three brings for you.
Love always,
Mommy
Happy 3rd birthday! I honestly cannot believe you are already three years old. Where did my little baby go? For some reason, this birthday is hitting me hardest of them all. I oscillate almost daily with looking at you in amazement for how old and big you have become - carrying on real conversations with us, dressing yourself and even drinking out of big girl cups - and then realizing that you are oh still so little - needing me to hold you and comfort you when you're scared or tired, wanting to snuggle up with your poogie and Mr. Sea and still believing that mommy and daddy are the best things ever. I'm not sure why this birthday is hitting me so hard, but I suspect it has something to do with you being such a little person now and getting so independent. Your first birthday was tough, but I was prepared for that to be tough, just like every mom is. I knew you were reaching a whole new stage - being able to drink real milk, learning to walk and starting to talk, so I was prepared for the emotional flood surrounding that day. Last year I think I was still yearning for you to grow up a little more than you were. You weren't talking a whole lot yet and I couldn't wait for you to get just a little older to be able to really converse with you. Now, at three, I feel like you know how to do everything - you walk, you talk, you can draw, you can understand conversations... and from here all of your skills will just get better. You are done "learning" new skills, they will just simply improve. You will go from scribbling lines on a page, to learning to write your name and other words. You will go from just simply loving to have stories read to you, to learning how to read yourself. So, it's hitting me hard that at three you are already so grown up.
This past year as your personality has emerged more and more has been so fun for your daddy and me. Let me highlight some of the things that make you... well, you. First and foremost, you are a rule follower. Sure, you try to push the limits and see how much you can test us, but when it comes down to it, you follow the rules. If we tell you not to go in the cupboard and get anymore crackers, you won't. If you're told at gymnastics to wait your turn, you do, and if your friends don't share their toys with you, you let them know that the rules are to share! Secondly, you are so creative. I cannot even begin to explain how awesome your imagination is. On the way to the cabin today, you sat in the backseat by yourself and created an entire storyline. You kept yourself content, just talking to yourself, the entire ride up to the cabin. Your daddy and I just smiled as we listened to you completely enveloped in your own little world. Your pretend play extends when you play with your toys - especially your dolls, your Little People and your pretend food. Most of your creative ideas come from things you've heard your daddy and I say. The rules you impose on your dolls, the snacks that you'll allow them to have and the way you put them all to bed is exactly as your daddy and I do with you. It's so cute to hear you mimic the aspects of your everyday life.
Finally, your language and memory have just exploded over the course of the year. You say words almost everyday that I don't even know where you learned. The other day daddy was downstairs and you and I were playing in the playroom and you asked me, "What do you suppose daddy is doing downstairs?" Suppose! Suppose! Where did you ever learn that? You also love to say, "actually"... as in "This is my doll, actually." And you preface a lot of answers to questions with the phrase, "ya know" (I don't know). This seems to be your reflex response because you'll usually start by answering a question with this and then proceed to actually give the real answer. In addition to your booming verbal skills, is your uncanny way to remember EVERYTHING! You seriously remember it all - where places are, when we've done things, and what things we've done at what places. A few weeks ago we drove by Southdale hospital and you pointed it out telling us that's where mommy had her baby. One time we were driving home a different way from the cabin and crossed beneath 694 (from 35W) and you pointed to the east and told us that's where the old house was. Another time, you and Grandma came to pick mommy up from a CE class in Minneapolis and as you exited the freeway, you pointed and showed Grandma the way to the Children's theater. Every time we go by Chili's restaurant in Roseville, you point it out and tell us that's where you lost one of your little kid forks. And, then you point behind it to Babies R Us and tell us that's where Grandma bought you a new fork after you lost yours. It's unbelievable your ability to piece parts of your world together into these memories.
I could go on and on with everything else that you love to play with and do, but I'll just compile a list of your favorites right now.
Favorite foods: You are NOT a picky eater at all and will honestly eat almost every single food except for onions (for some reason you are able to pick out onions in anything, even if they don't even resemble onions), mushrooms, pickles and green peppers. I'd say that's pretty good though because I don't think a lot of kids will eat those foods. Your favorite breakfast is a combination of a piece of bread (not toast, you hate your bread toasted) with peanut butter and either cold cereal or yogurt. We try sometimes to give you "special" breakfasts like pancakes or eggs or waffles, but you just insist on your old standbys. For lunch you usually either eat a PB&J or a turkey and ham sandwich. For dinner you eat everything that we eat but you especially love when we have tacos, corn on the cob, pasta of any kind or rice. You are your daddy's daughter because you love to put "dip" on everything. You guys put ketchup on your rice, you love putting BBQ sauce on your chicken and you even like raw veggies as long as you can dip them in something. We started giving you juice finally when you were about 2 1/2 and now you have it almost everyday for breakfast. This is not mommy's favorite thing, but you only drink about 3-4 ounces, so I try to relax about it. Otherwise, you only drink milk or water. We've tried chocolate milk a couple times as a special treat but you actually don't like it and always just ask us for white milk.
 |
| Eating your favorite breakfast - peanut butter bread and cereal. |
Favorite toys: Right now you are really into playing outside on your playground, in your sandbox and riding your trike around. We got you a big girl bike for the summer but you're not wild about it yet, I think it's a little too big for you. So, you're sticking with your pink trike that is almost too small for you, but are getting crazy fast riding it up and down the street. You LOVE to play outside every single day and don't like it when "the trees are blowing" (that's your indication that it's too cold outside) and you have to stay inside. When we do play inside, you usually spend most of your time preparing food for mommy, daddy, Jakey and your dolls. You also love to organize so we can always get you to have fun lining things up - like your Little People for a parade - or putting the books from our bookshelf onto the window seat in the office to "check them out" at your "library."
You also LOVE to read stories. I still remember when you were about 9 months old and I was desperate to read stories with you before bed. You didn't want anything to do with them and always just wanted to nurse and be rocked to sleep. I lamented to daddy that I feared you would never like books. Oh, I couldn't have been more wrong. You have now worked your book count up to two books at nap and three books at bedtime (we started with just 1 at nap and 1-2 at bedtime) and it usually takes us twice as long to get through any book as once you know the story, you like to stop and interject with tons of questions... usually in the form of "why?" In the past month we've started letting you watch a little bit of TV and so you discovered Dora. You are now obsessed with Dora and Boots and like to point them out whenever we see them. I have to say it is pretty cute how excited you get when we let you watch an episode on TV and you sit on the couch completely engrossed in the show. We usually find you later in the day acting out whatever scene you saw on the episode you watched.
 |
| My little "Dora" out catching butterflies. |
 |
| "Map" telling her where to go. |
You have also taken an interest in getting yourself dressed and putting on matching clothes every morning. You are completely able to put on your underwear and pants - always noting the "right way" by looking for the tag, but still have trouble with some shirts - usually the ones that are a little tight around your head. Your underwear consists mostly of "day of the week" underwear and you oscillate between wanting to wear the right day and wanting to wear which color matches your outfit. This week you had to wear the pink underwear pairs four days in a row because you were wearing pink every day. I tried to put a blue pair on you yesterday and you nearly lost your mind when you saw there was no blue anywhere on your clothes. Some days you wear interesting combinations of clothes, but if I point out that your clothes don't match, you always have a response for me as to why they really do match. The other day you put on hot pink shorts and a bright greenish-yellow shirt. I told you they didn't really match, but you pointed to the bird that was perched on top of the rhinoceros on the front of your shirt and showed me how it was pink, just like your shorts. Oh little girl, you had it all planned out, how dare I question your ways?
Finally, you are now able to go to the bathroom by yourself and clean up after yourself. Both of these things came about after we had Jake and I think you realized you had to be a little more independent if you were going to get your needs met! You've been potty-trained for what seems like forever, but we were still having to help you out in the bathroom. Then, one day while I was busy nursing Jake, you told me you had to go potty. I had my hands full and just told you to go by yourself. To my amazement, you did. You did the whole routine all on your own. From then on, you have been unstoppable. Grandma even says sometimes she won't know where you are at her house and then you'll emerge from the bathroom and tell her that you had to go potty. Finally, you clean up after yourself when you're done with snack and lunch. You can put your dishes in the dishwasher, put the rest of your milk in the refrigerator and even take a washcloth and wipe up your hands and face. Seriously, when did you get so big doing these chores by yourself?
And speaking of your brother, you are such a good big sister. You love him so much. When I come into your room in the morning you always ask me where your brother is. You want to hug him and kiss him whenever you see him. Truthfully, he is a little scared of you because you come at him kind of forcefully, but we know that you would never hurt him, you really just want to be close to him.
Oh, Allison, this is only a highlight of all of things that make your personality so "Allie." I cannot even begin to explain how much I love you and how much everyday of your life is such an adventure. You live each day to the fullest and are not content unless you are constantly on the move stretching your brain power and your imagination. This morning you asked me when you were going to be four and I told you it was another year away - that you had so many things to do when you were three; go to preschool, be a flower girl in Sarah and James' wedding, have another Christmas, take another Spring Break vacation and finally have another birthday. You looked at me very seriously and said, "and also go to the State Fair." That just sums you up... always thinking... always stretching yourself... my answers are never good enough for you because you are always able to stay just one step ahead of me.
I love you little girl and cannot wait to see what adventures and excitement age three brings for you.
Love always,
Mommy
Thursday, May 24, 2012
A "Little People" party
We celebrated Allie's third birthday tonight.... THIRD birthday! I can't even believe I'm writing those words, nor can I believe that I will have a three year old TOMORROW!!!
Allie's obsession this past year has been the Fisher Price Little People. We actually bought most of the Little People toys that she owns for her first birthday, and she did play with them back then, but for some reason, they came out in full force this past year. We even had to supplement her "stash" of Little People toys for both Valentine's Day and Easter - giving her the Little People zoo and the Santa House and firetruck. I believe she literally has about 50 Little People dolls and now owns several of the accessories as well. But, she loves them. We went through a stage where she brought all of them into the shower or bath with her and would spend several minutes lining them all up, having them go down the "slide" in the bath or attending school. We went through another stage where she had to put them all to sleep every night. I would tell her it was time for bed, but before she could get ready for bed, the Little People had to be put to sleep - i.e. they all had to be laid down. Yes, the Little People were the theme for this year, so it made perfect sense to use this as the main inspiration for her birthday party.
We had a small family gathering, just our immediate family, and everyone came over after Allie's nap for dinner, cake and ice cream and presents. We decorated the house with balloons and streamers and Kerm made an easy, but tasty dinner of tacos and Allie's favorites - refried beans, chips and "dip" (salsa) and watermelon. Allie was in 7th heaven when I told her she could have something other than water or milk for dinner - and she chose the pink lemonade that the rest of us were having. However, after the first couple of exciting sips, she really wasn't all about it and didn't even finish half a glass. Guess she really is a milk lover after all.
After dinner, we opened presents. I remember Allie being able to open all her presents last year and of course for Christmas, but this birthday took things to a whole new level. She was SO excited about all the gifts and was just tearing away the wrapping paper on present after present. Every time she would open a present, we would ask her what it was and she would stare and it and say "ya, know" (her version of I don't know), then follow it up with what the present actually was.
Let's just say our little girl was spoiled like crazy! My parents got her tons of summer clothes, a whole bunch of books (Dora books and "If you give a dog a donut") and some balls for outside playing. My sister and her fiance got her a bunch of princess dress up clothes - complete with tiaras, hairbows, purses and shows. It was an amazing set and I know she will love adorning herself with tons of different combinations. My other sister and brother-in-law got her the tot clock (I'm super excited to try this out and see if it actually works!) and the book "If you give a pig a pancake". Kerm's parents got her some summer clothes and a wagon and his sister's got her some sandbox toys and other outside toys - a butterfly net and a bubble maker. We got her a new pull-toy dog (she already owned it, but it broke a couple weeks ago and she was really sad about it), a stamp kit, a doctor kit, a dump truck for the sandbox, a Dora bucket and shovel for the sandbox, sidewalk chalk and the Little People bat cave.
Now, let me just talk about the bat cave for a second. Here it is. Not exactly what you'd picture for my pink-loving, dress-up loving, doll-loving little girly-girl of a daughter. However, she has been obsessed with this bat cave since Christmas. See, right before Christmas we got a Fisher Price catalog in the mail. We showed it to Allie and she was obsessed. She carried that thing with her everywhere for weeks and would peruse it multiple times a day, pointing out all the things she wanted. One of the things in there was this bat cave and honestly, every time she opened the catalog, she would tell us that she wanted it. Then, we took a trip to Toys R Us one day and they had the bat cave there. She was SO excited and continued telling us that she wanted this bat cave. I tried asking her why she wanted it and she couldn't even get the words out fast enough - it had a helicopter and a slide and an elevator to make everything go up and then down again. So, we finally decided to take her up on this toy that she desperately said she wanted and get it for her birthday. Well, I should say, Kerm decided to get it for her birthday. I wanted to skip it because I really couldn't believe that she was actually going to play with it.
Fast forward to today. As soon as she took one piece of the wrapping paper off and saw it was the bat cave, she flipped out! She tore open the rest of the wrapping paper so fast and yelled, "It's a bat cave!!" She immediately wanted it taken out of the package so she could play with it and after we obliged, she played with it for the rest of the party.
After presents, we had cake. I made a replica of the Little People figurine she named "Julia" and was pretty proud of how it turned out. This was my first year decorating a cake all on my own, not using a shaped pan or anything, just cut out the design freehand and decorated it. We all sang Happy Birthday and tried to get Allie to blow out the candles, but she got shy with everyone watching her and wouldn't do it. So, mom and dad had to step in and help.
After cake, we played a little more and then it was time for Allie (and Jake) to get to bed. As she was getting ready to go upstairs, she tried to gather up all of her toys to take them with her. I think she thought they would get taken away if she left them downstairs! It was quite a sight watching her with her arms full of dress-up clothes and her new clock.
It was a fun birthday celebration and I can't believe that my little girl turns three tomorrow! We have decorated her door with streamers and balloons and have a couple presents that we held back for her to open tomorrow. We're planning to make her a special breakfast, open presents and then head up to the cabin for a fun Memorial weekend. Happy third birthday Allison!
Allie's obsession this past year has been the Fisher Price Little People. We actually bought most of the Little People toys that she owns for her first birthday, and she did play with them back then, but for some reason, they came out in full force this past year. We even had to supplement her "stash" of Little People toys for both Valentine's Day and Easter - giving her the Little People zoo and the Santa House and firetruck. I believe she literally has about 50 Little People dolls and now owns several of the accessories as well. But, she loves them. We went through a stage where she brought all of them into the shower or bath with her and would spend several minutes lining them all up, having them go down the "slide" in the bath or attending school. We went through another stage where she had to put them all to sleep every night. I would tell her it was time for bed, but before she could get ready for bed, the Little People had to be put to sleep - i.e. they all had to be laid down. Yes, the Little People were the theme for this year, so it made perfect sense to use this as the main inspiration for her birthday party.
 |
| Of course her Little People had to attend the party! |
We had a small family gathering, just our immediate family, and everyone came over after Allie's nap for dinner, cake and ice cream and presents. We decorated the house with balloons and streamers and Kerm made an easy, but tasty dinner of tacos and Allie's favorites - refried beans, chips and "dip" (salsa) and watermelon. Allie was in 7th heaven when I told her she could have something other than water or milk for dinner - and she chose the pink lemonade that the rest of us were having. However, after the first couple of exciting sips, she really wasn't all about it and didn't even finish half a glass. Guess she really is a milk lover after all.
After dinner, we opened presents. I remember Allie being able to open all her presents last year and of course for Christmas, but this birthday took things to a whole new level. She was SO excited about all the gifts and was just tearing away the wrapping paper on present after present. Every time she would open a present, we would ask her what it was and she would stare and it and say "ya, know" (her version of I don't know), then follow it up with what the present actually was.
Let's just say our little girl was spoiled like crazy! My parents got her tons of summer clothes, a whole bunch of books (Dora books and "If you give a dog a donut") and some balls for outside playing. My sister and her fiance got her a bunch of princess dress up clothes - complete with tiaras, hairbows, purses and shows. It was an amazing set and I know she will love adorning herself with tons of different combinations. My other sister and brother-in-law got her the tot clock (I'm super excited to try this out and see if it actually works!) and the book "If you give a pig a pancake". Kerm's parents got her some summer clothes and a wagon and his sister's got her some sandbox toys and other outside toys - a butterfly net and a bubble maker. We got her a new pull-toy dog (she already owned it, but it broke a couple weeks ago and she was really sad about it), a stamp kit, a doctor kit, a dump truck for the sandbox, a Dora bucket and shovel for the sandbox, sidewalk chalk and the Little People bat cave.
Now, let me just talk about the bat cave for a second. Here it is. Not exactly what you'd picture for my pink-loving, dress-up loving, doll-loving little girly-girl of a daughter. However, she has been obsessed with this bat cave since Christmas. See, right before Christmas we got a Fisher Price catalog in the mail. We showed it to Allie and she was obsessed. She carried that thing with her everywhere for weeks and would peruse it multiple times a day, pointing out all the things she wanted. One of the things in there was this bat cave and honestly, every time she opened the catalog, she would tell us that she wanted it. Then, we took a trip to Toys R Us one day and they had the bat cave there. She was SO excited and continued telling us that she wanted this bat cave. I tried asking her why she wanted it and she couldn't even get the words out fast enough - it had a helicopter and a slide and an elevator to make everything go up and then down again. So, we finally decided to take her up on this toy that she desperately said she wanted and get it for her birthday. Well, I should say, Kerm decided to get it for her birthday. I wanted to skip it because I really couldn't believe that she was actually going to play with it.
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| The infamous Bat Cave! |
Fast forward to today. As soon as she took one piece of the wrapping paper off and saw it was the bat cave, she flipped out! She tore open the rest of the wrapping paper so fast and yelled, "It's a bat cave!!" She immediately wanted it taken out of the package so she could play with it and after we obliged, she played with it for the rest of the party.
After presents, we had cake. I made a replica of the Little People figurine she named "Julia" and was pretty proud of how it turned out. This was my first year decorating a cake all on my own, not using a shaped pan or anything, just cut out the design freehand and decorated it. We all sang Happy Birthday and tried to get Allie to blow out the candles, but she got shy with everyone watching her and wouldn't do it. So, mom and dad had to step in and help.
After cake, we played a little more and then it was time for Allie (and Jake) to get to bed. As she was getting ready to go upstairs, she tried to gather up all of her toys to take them with her. I think she thought they would get taken away if she left them downstairs! It was quite a sight watching her with her arms full of dress-up clothes and her new clock.
It was a fun birthday celebration and I can't believe that my little girl turns three tomorrow! We have decorated her door with streamers and balloons and have a couple presents that we held back for her to open tomorrow. We're planning to make her a special breakfast, open presents and then head up to the cabin for a fun Memorial weekend. Happy third birthday Allison!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
On breastfeeding #2
On the eve of Allie's third birthday party (her actual birthday is Friday, but we're celebrating tomorrow so we can head up to the cabin Friday morning), I find myself reflecting a lot on her life thus far. For some reason, her second birthday didn't hit me as hard as this one. I think maybe it's because she has grown up SO much this past year and now seems so much more like a little girl than a baby.
As I think back to her three years with us, nothing sticks out in my mind more than breastfeeding... probably because at three she still has breastfed longer than she has been weaned (okay, as I read that back, it sounds like I'm still nursing her, I'm not... we nursed until she was almost 22 months). It also sticks out in my mind because breastfeeding was such a huge part of our lives the entire time we did it - the early struggles, the struggles when I found out I needed to supplement and then the easy road we hit when she turned one and we could drop the supplement but she still enjoyed breastfeeding as much as I did.
This all makes me think about my nursing journey thus far with Jake. I can honestly say this time around has been very "healing" for me. The majority of people who participate on the "breastfeeding after reduction surgery" forum that I'm apart of, say how much nursing their first child heals all the insecurities surrounding getting their surgery. That was not the case for me. If anything, my struggles with nursing Allie only made me feel worse about myself, made me doubt why I ever went through with my surgery and made me feel inadequate as a mom. I spent almost every day of the first few months of her life hating my decision and because of that, hating myself. I eventually got over the self-loathing and began to enjoy my nursing relationship with Allie, but negative thoughts still crept back into my head at least weekly, if not almost everyday.
This time around, things have been so much easier. Jake latched on like a champ from the get-go, so I never had to deal with any mechanical problems surrounding nursing. We also figured out fairly quickly that he needed some supplementing, and I had donor breastmilk ready from the beginning, so thus far he has been exclusively getting breastmilk.
So, in theory, things should have been a breeze. But, my Type A, neurotic, perfectionist personality doesn't let that be the case. I still think all the time about what my life would have been like without the surgery, how much different it would be to just be able to sit down and nurse Jake without feeling so inadequate, so inferior and so much like I'm letting him down. But, I'm trying really hard not to let those thoughts bring me down.
Because, this time around, I am making more milk. On work days, I'm pumping almost 2 ounces more than I ever did with Allie. On days at home, I'm supplementing about 3-5 ounces less. And, more importantly, Jake is happy and content with nursing. We went through a brief phase when I first returned to work where I think he was preferring the flow of the bottle, but he got over that quickly and now loves that first feeding of the night when I get home. We also went through a phase where he would scream when he was done eating regardless of how much he got. I knew he was getting enough and was full because he would spit up for a good 30 minutes after he was done eating, but it was like his brain couldn't register that his little belly was full. He's over that now too and gets done eating, looks up at me and gives me the biggest grin ever.
So, while I could never say that I'm completely in a happy place (that's just not my personality, I never will be completely okay with the fact that I need to supplement), I'm in a much better place than I ever was the entire time I nursed Allie. And, for that, I am happy.
As I think back to her three years with us, nothing sticks out in my mind more than breastfeeding... probably because at three she still has breastfed longer than she has been weaned (okay, as I read that back, it sounds like I'm still nursing her, I'm not... we nursed until she was almost 22 months). It also sticks out in my mind because breastfeeding was such a huge part of our lives the entire time we did it - the early struggles, the struggles when I found out I needed to supplement and then the easy road we hit when she turned one and we could drop the supplement but she still enjoyed breastfeeding as much as I did.
This all makes me think about my nursing journey thus far with Jake. I can honestly say this time around has been very "healing" for me. The majority of people who participate on the "breastfeeding after reduction surgery" forum that I'm apart of, say how much nursing their first child heals all the insecurities surrounding getting their surgery. That was not the case for me. If anything, my struggles with nursing Allie only made me feel worse about myself, made me doubt why I ever went through with my surgery and made me feel inadequate as a mom. I spent almost every day of the first few months of her life hating my decision and because of that, hating myself. I eventually got over the self-loathing and began to enjoy my nursing relationship with Allie, but negative thoughts still crept back into my head at least weekly, if not almost everyday.
This time around, things have been so much easier. Jake latched on like a champ from the get-go, so I never had to deal with any mechanical problems surrounding nursing. We also figured out fairly quickly that he needed some supplementing, and I had donor breastmilk ready from the beginning, so thus far he has been exclusively getting breastmilk.
So, in theory, things should have been a breeze. But, my Type A, neurotic, perfectionist personality doesn't let that be the case. I still think all the time about what my life would have been like without the surgery, how much different it would be to just be able to sit down and nurse Jake without feeling so inadequate, so inferior and so much like I'm letting him down. But, I'm trying really hard not to let those thoughts bring me down.
Because, this time around, I am making more milk. On work days, I'm pumping almost 2 ounces more than I ever did with Allie. On days at home, I'm supplementing about 3-5 ounces less. And, more importantly, Jake is happy and content with nursing. We went through a brief phase when I first returned to work where I think he was preferring the flow of the bottle, but he got over that quickly and now loves that first feeding of the night when I get home. We also went through a phase where he would scream when he was done eating regardless of how much he got. I knew he was getting enough and was full because he would spit up for a good 30 minutes after he was done eating, but it was like his brain couldn't register that his little belly was full. He's over that now too and gets done eating, looks up at me and gives me the biggest grin ever.
So, while I could never say that I'm completely in a happy place (that's just not my personality, I never will be completely okay with the fact that I need to supplement), I'm in a much better place than I ever was the entire time I nursed Allie. And, for that, I am happy.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Double bedtime
Bedtime on the nights that Kerm is working is quickly becoming my forte. Where I once feared the nights when he was gone, I now forge through them with precision and determination. Allie's bedtime routine starts at 7:00. Obviously, Jake has no set bedtime yet, but he always seems to want to go down somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-7:30, so I have to manage to get both of them down around the same time.
My end goal is simple: Both kids in bed with minimal to no crying by 8:00pm. I say minimal to no crying because inevitably when I need to brush Allie's teeth or help her go potty one last time, Jake decides he is no longer distracted by the fan and starts crying. So, I have to rush finishing up with Allie and tend to him. And, 8:00 makes me feel good because 1). I don't feel like it's too long of a time to take to get two kids to bed and 2). it still gives me a good 1 1/2 hours of "free" time before I go to bed. "Free time" usually involves fun things like emptying the dishwasher, packing my lunch for the next day and getting all my work stuff ready. But, still, it's time to unwind and I usually get to enjoy at least a little computer or TV time as well.
However, while I make it sound like I've got this routine down pat, I have to admit, it's still one of the toughest times of the day for me. I feel torn between both kids. Jake clearly is the needier of the two, so I always default to him. When he's happy, I go about getting Allie ready - teeth brushed, going potty, pajamas on and hopefully a story or two read. But, when Jake starts getting grumpy, I have to abandon Allie and tend to him.
Tonight was one of those nights. I started getting Allie ready and Jake laid on her bed watching the fan spin above him (why are all babies obsessed with ceiling fans?). I was able to only get Allie's teeth brushed before Jake was crying and not easily consoled just by me holding him... time for him to go to sleep. So, I told Allie to get her pajamas on and I would put Jake to sleep and be back for her.
I was gone about 20 minutes, nursing him and rocking him to sleep. The entire time, I didn't hear a peep from Allie. I started to get a little nervous about what she had gotten herself into. Prolonged quiet time from a toddler can sometimes be a bad thing! Finally, Jake was full and had dozed off enough for me to set him in the crib. And right then, I wanted to be done. I had finished Jake's bedtime, I just wanted to be done with bedtimes for the night. I wanted to go downstairs and sit on the couch and just relax. I didn't want to read stories and get drinks of water and talk and get more drinks of water and do more bathroom trips... I just wanted to be done. But... there's no rest for the weary and I knew I had to forge onward! So, I hightailed it back to Allie's room and was surprised to be greeted by the most wonderful sight.
There she was, pajamas on, storied picked out and resting on her nightstand, all curled up in bed waiting for me. As I entered the room, she flashed me the biggest smile and said, "STORIES!" I climbed into bed and she curled up next to me and laid her head in my arms. Then, she turned toward me and kissed my cheek while giving me another big grin.
It melted my heart! And, I realized right then and there how lucky I am that she is such a fantastic big sister. She knows that Jake has to come first right now. That his needs have to be met right then and there because he is too little to know any better. And so, she patiently waits her turn to have her time with me.
So, while a lot of nights I would love more than anything just to tuck her in and say goodnight and not have to read three stories and snuggle with her and get her one last drink of water, it's all worth it when I see how happy it makes her. How can I not enjoy bedtime when I'm greeted by such pure innocence and excitement over stories and snuggle time with mommy?
My end goal is simple: Both kids in bed with minimal to no crying by 8:00pm. I say minimal to no crying because inevitably when I need to brush Allie's teeth or help her go potty one last time, Jake decides he is no longer distracted by the fan and starts crying. So, I have to rush finishing up with Allie and tend to him. And, 8:00 makes me feel good because 1). I don't feel like it's too long of a time to take to get two kids to bed and 2). it still gives me a good 1 1/2 hours of "free" time before I go to bed. "Free time" usually involves fun things like emptying the dishwasher, packing my lunch for the next day and getting all my work stuff ready. But, still, it's time to unwind and I usually get to enjoy at least a little computer or TV time as well.
However, while I make it sound like I've got this routine down pat, I have to admit, it's still one of the toughest times of the day for me. I feel torn between both kids. Jake clearly is the needier of the two, so I always default to him. When he's happy, I go about getting Allie ready - teeth brushed, going potty, pajamas on and hopefully a story or two read. But, when Jake starts getting grumpy, I have to abandon Allie and tend to him.
Tonight was one of those nights. I started getting Allie ready and Jake laid on her bed watching the fan spin above him (why are all babies obsessed with ceiling fans?). I was able to only get Allie's teeth brushed before Jake was crying and not easily consoled just by me holding him... time for him to go to sleep. So, I told Allie to get her pajamas on and I would put Jake to sleep and be back for her.
I was gone about 20 minutes, nursing him and rocking him to sleep. The entire time, I didn't hear a peep from Allie. I started to get a little nervous about what she had gotten herself into. Prolonged quiet time from a toddler can sometimes be a bad thing! Finally, Jake was full and had dozed off enough for me to set him in the crib. And right then, I wanted to be done. I had finished Jake's bedtime, I just wanted to be done with bedtimes for the night. I wanted to go downstairs and sit on the couch and just relax. I didn't want to read stories and get drinks of water and talk and get more drinks of water and do more bathroom trips... I just wanted to be done. But... there's no rest for the weary and I knew I had to forge onward! So, I hightailed it back to Allie's room and was surprised to be greeted by the most wonderful sight.
There she was, pajamas on, storied picked out and resting on her nightstand, all curled up in bed waiting for me. As I entered the room, she flashed me the biggest smile and said, "STORIES!" I climbed into bed and she curled up next to me and laid her head in my arms. Then, she turned toward me and kissed my cheek while giving me another big grin.
It melted my heart! And, I realized right then and there how lucky I am that she is such a fantastic big sister. She knows that Jake has to come first right now. That his needs have to be met right then and there because he is too little to know any better. And so, she patiently waits her turn to have her time with me.
So, while a lot of nights I would love more than anything just to tuck her in and say goodnight and not have to read three stories and snuggle with her and get her one last drink of water, it's all worth it when I see how happy it makes her. How can I not enjoy bedtime when I'm greeted by such pure innocence and excitement over stories and snuggle time with mommy?
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Circus
Kerm and I each had dates with our children last night. Kerm took Allie to the circus and out to dinner and I kept Jake home and did less fun stuff - ran a couple errands and just played at home. It was fun to watch my daddy and daughter duo have their night out together. While Allie has been incredibly good with Jake and has adjusted super well to life with a sibling, I know she still misses all the attention she used to get. So, it was a nice change for her to be on her own with one of us.
Kerm got tickets from work for a circus in town and decided to give it a try. It wasn't the biggest or grandest circus ever, but it fit the bill for a three year old!
The circus had a few animals to look at before the show started. Allie had fun petting the goats and the llamas and looking at the zebra and riding a little Shetland pony around a ring.
Once the show was ready to begin, Kerm got a popcorn snack for them to enjoy during the show. He said Allie's eyes were glued to the show the entire time while her hand kept a constant motion in and out of the popcorn bag!
They saw quite a show! It started with a clown riding around a car. After a little while, the car started on fire and Allie got scared. Kerm had to reassure her that the fire was not going to get the clown. Luckily, she calmed down and enjoyed the rest of the circus. They saw a dog walking on its hind legs, a few dogs going down slides and some more ponies doing tricks.
After the circus, they went out to dinner. Allie requested french fries (she obviously knew she was with dad since mom doesn't oblige these things!), so Kerm took them to Snuffy's Malt shop where they shared a hamburger, french fries and even a chocolate banana malt. Allie was in heaven!
While they were at the circus, I was hanging out with this little cutie! We didn't do much - just a little tummy time and played on the floor and in the exersaucer.
Kerm got tickets from work for a circus in town and decided to give it a try. It wasn't the biggest or grandest circus ever, but it fit the bill for a three year old!
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| Waiting to go in to the circus! |
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| She was a little scared at first. |
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| But then started to have fun! |
Once the show was ready to begin, Kerm got a popcorn snack for them to enjoy during the show. He said Allie's eyes were glued to the show the entire time while her hand kept a constant motion in and out of the popcorn bag!
They saw quite a show! It started with a clown riding around a car. After a little while, the car started on fire and Allie got scared. Kerm had to reassure her that the fire was not going to get the clown. Luckily, she calmed down and enjoyed the rest of the circus. They saw a dog walking on its hind legs, a few dogs going down slides and some more ponies doing tricks.
After the circus, they went out to dinner. Allie requested french fries (she obviously knew she was with dad since mom doesn't oblige these things!), so Kerm took them to Snuffy's Malt shop where they shared a hamburger, french fries and even a chocolate banana malt. Allie was in heaven!
While they were at the circus, I was hanging out with this little cutie! We didn't do much - just a little tummy time and played on the floor and in the exersaucer.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Crying
I let Jake cry last night.
Let me explain. It was almost 7:00pm and Jake was starting to get a little fussy. Allie requested to go to bed at the same time (her latest thing, she actually wants to go to bed now and starts to get upset if she isn't put to bed right away). I thought I had enough time to get her in bed and stories read before Jake melted down and needed to be put to bed himself. So, I started Allie's bedtime routine. Halfway through the second story, Jake was done and needed to be put to bed stat. No amount of bouncing, rocking or sing-songy story-telling would pacify him any longer. So, I told Allie to hang out in bed and read stories and I would be back to finish putting her to bed after Jake was asleep.
I hightailed it to Jake's nursery, changed him, nursed him and rocked him to sleep. He was out cold. Then, I went back into Allie's room and finished stories, teeth brushing, two water drinks and two potty breaks. Finally! It was 7:40 and I was done with bedtimes....
Until I walked out of Allie's room and heard Jake crying. I rushed into his nursery to get him back to sleep. I tried the pacifier first and that failed. I tried re-swaddling him as he was scrunching up his arms and legs in a fit to get out of his swaddle... and that failed. So, I picked him up and rocked him back to sleep. I held him for about 5 minutes after he was fast asleep and then put him back down in his crib. He woke up. Rinse and repeat. Rocked him and laid him back down. He woke up again... and again... and again. Finally, after 30 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore.
I tried everything I could think of - I nursed him again - he wanted nothing to do with it. I un-swaddled him - that only made his arms thrash around and knock himself in the face. I rocked and rocked and bounced and swayed and sang and danced... nothing. He simply would not stay asleep, but was clearly tired.
By this point, I was at the end of my rope. I could sense that I was losing it. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I set him down in his crib, left the room, shut the door and just walked away. When I got downstairs, I could still hear his cries. I couldn't take it, so I tried to go back upstairs one last time. But, it didn't matter. He simply would not calm down. So, I left the room again and this time, I went outside. I walked around outside for a couple minutes just getting my bearings. Then, I called Kerm and relayed the story to him - just to talk to another adult.
I let this go on for almost five minutes. Then, I pulled on my big-girl mommy pants and went back inside to my screaming baby. I opened the door to his nursery and my heart swelled as I heard his little cries needing me. I picked him up and he immediately quieted. Within a couple minutes of rocking him, he fell asleep in my arms.
And then I started crying. I felt so horrible that I had let this little 3 month old baby cry. I know he's too young to soothe himself and I vowed that I wouldn't ever make him do that. If he cried, he clearly needed something and as his mom, it was my job to figure out what it was. I felt like I had let him down.
I know in my mind it was the best thing for me to do at the time. That my emotions were at an all-time high and I was running on empty. I needed a "break" to recharge myself, gather my thoughts and get back into the mommy-mode.
But, today, when I left for work and had to leave my little squirmy, smiling, cooing, adorable baby behind, I still felt like I let him down last night.
Let me explain. It was almost 7:00pm and Jake was starting to get a little fussy. Allie requested to go to bed at the same time (her latest thing, she actually wants to go to bed now and starts to get upset if she isn't put to bed right away). I thought I had enough time to get her in bed and stories read before Jake melted down and needed to be put to bed himself. So, I started Allie's bedtime routine. Halfway through the second story, Jake was done and needed to be put to bed stat. No amount of bouncing, rocking or sing-songy story-telling would pacify him any longer. So, I told Allie to hang out in bed and read stories and I would be back to finish putting her to bed after Jake was asleep.
I hightailed it to Jake's nursery, changed him, nursed him and rocked him to sleep. He was out cold. Then, I went back into Allie's room and finished stories, teeth brushing, two water drinks and two potty breaks. Finally! It was 7:40 and I was done with bedtimes....
Until I walked out of Allie's room and heard Jake crying. I rushed into his nursery to get him back to sleep. I tried the pacifier first and that failed. I tried re-swaddling him as he was scrunching up his arms and legs in a fit to get out of his swaddle... and that failed. So, I picked him up and rocked him back to sleep. I held him for about 5 minutes after he was fast asleep and then put him back down in his crib. He woke up. Rinse and repeat. Rocked him and laid him back down. He woke up again... and again... and again. Finally, after 30 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore.
I tried everything I could think of - I nursed him again - he wanted nothing to do with it. I un-swaddled him - that only made his arms thrash around and knock himself in the face. I rocked and rocked and bounced and swayed and sang and danced... nothing. He simply would not stay asleep, but was clearly tired.
By this point, I was at the end of my rope. I could sense that I was losing it. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I set him down in his crib, left the room, shut the door and just walked away. When I got downstairs, I could still hear his cries. I couldn't take it, so I tried to go back upstairs one last time. But, it didn't matter. He simply would not calm down. So, I left the room again and this time, I went outside. I walked around outside for a couple minutes just getting my bearings. Then, I called Kerm and relayed the story to him - just to talk to another adult.
I let this go on for almost five minutes. Then, I pulled on my big-girl mommy pants and went back inside to my screaming baby. I opened the door to his nursery and my heart swelled as I heard his little cries needing me. I picked him up and he immediately quieted. Within a couple minutes of rocking him, he fell asleep in my arms.
And then I started crying. I felt so horrible that I had let this little 3 month old baby cry. I know he's too young to soothe himself and I vowed that I wouldn't ever make him do that. If he cried, he clearly needed something and as his mom, it was my job to figure out what it was. I felt like I had let him down.
I know in my mind it was the best thing for me to do at the time. That my emotions were at an all-time high and I was running on empty. I needed a "break" to recharge myself, gather my thoughts and get back into the mommy-mode.
But, today, when I left for work and had to leave my little squirmy, smiling, cooing, adorable baby behind, I still felt like I let him down last night.
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